Chapter Fifty-One: [Extra 3] Heavy Feelings (Part I)
“Thank you… I’m glad she has you, Kaname-sama.”
–I think it was probably at that moment, when I heard those words, that my life started.
It’s been more than ten years since I was born in this world as “Ryudoji Kaname,” and even when I had a voice, I wasn’t always sure if I had been alive until that moment.
I didn’t have anything.
I had no joy, no sorrow, or even hatred for my unreasonable fate.
There were just endless resignation and a slight irritation like the remnants of being human. That was all I had about me as a 10-year-old boy.
A cold, inorganic, monochrome world, simply absorbing knowledge mechanically, is my “natural” everyday life.
I didn’t even know that I wanted anything else other than that. I didn’t know about the rest of the world.
I taught you… Ayaka. It’s you.
Because of you, I understood my emotions.
I learned everything from you; this brightly colored world and its warmth.
I was able to become a “human” because you were next to me who couldn’t help but be so stupid and troublesome that I had to take care of everything for you.
…Ayaka. You keep saying that this is an otome game that you played in your previous life, but I just can’t believe it.
I know you’re not lying.
In fact, even when your knowledge of the game came off the track in various ways, the future you said still happened.
…Yet I can’t imagine that there would be an “I” who hasn’t met you. What’s more, that I would love another woman other than you.
I’m sure that wouldn’t be me, even if we share the same face or situation. He and I would just be strangers who remember each other.
Because I was born by you… As I am now.
“–Yes, it’s heavy. It’s hard.”
I rested my chin on Ayaka’s head, who is gently protesting in my arms.
“…Well. Just shut up and turn into a human hot water bottle. I’m cold.”
“No, let’s just raise the temperature! Don’t be stingy!”
“Ah. I think it would make sense for the Student Council members to serve as models for saving electricity. In times like this, we should be eco-friendly. It’s a matter where the initiative should start from the ones that stand at the top.”
“Oh, I see… Wait, no, no, no, no. I mean, even the dormitories are fairly well-heated. Also, Aina-chan will scold us by saying, ‘Impure heterosexual relationship is against the school regulations!’ He already told me off the other day.”
Tsk… I can’t believe this foolish habit of hers.
That guy Sainohara said unnecessary things to Ayaka again…
Then, it’s time to make the next move.
“…Do you hate it?”
“Ayaka… Do you hate me for doing this?”
When I deliberately said it in a slightly sulky tone, the stupid Ayaka immediately smiled broadly.
“I can’t hate you~ I’m in trouble, though. Do you want to be attached to me that much? I see. I see. Then it can’t be helped.”
…That was easy. As expected, you’re such a fool.
When I put my weight on Ayaka, who was basking in her good mood, she yelped like a frog who is being crushed.
“…Kaname! It’s heavy! Heavy!”
Ignoring the voices of protest that rose once again, I just enjoyed the warmth that is Ayaka in my arms.
…If I don’t feel this warmth regularly, I feel restless.
It was after the incident with that Do-Me woman the other day.
Sainohara told me to at least let her have lunch with others, but it was a severe problem for me.
“That’s right… I’m heavy.“
Because I want to monopolize everything that is Ayaka.
“…What? Uhm… It’s true that it’s heavy, but I actually think you’re too thin for your height? If you’re saying that you’re fat, then that’ll make 70% of the students in this school fat, too. So, don’t worry about it too much, okay? If only you could lighten the weight on me a little bit.”
“…That’s not what I meant.”
Ayaka, who was confused because she didn’t understand the meaning of what I said, broke into a bitter smile.
…You know, don’t you? Is this just another flow in the game’s story?
I’m sure I’m much heavier, narrower, and helplessly dependent on Ayaka than she thinks.
Not only with her opposite sex, which could develop romantic feelings for her, but even the friendships she has with the same-sex makes me miserable.
“…Kaname? What’s the matter?”
“…No, it’s nothing.”
‘…Even if you want me to leave, I’ll never go away, Kaname.‘
What suddenly came to my mind was Ayaka’s words when I told her to leave me alone when we were both in middle school because I was being isolated when she still chose to stay beside me.
…What would her expression be like if I said I wanted to go back to those days?
In those days, the two of us were alone, and we only had one another to rely on.
I don’t want anyone to get close to you.
Only look at me.
The love we have now isn’t enough.
Eros, Philia, Storge, Agape. I want your everything.
These kinds of feelings always exist within me, and sometimes it feels like I’m going to burst with even the simplest triggers that come my way.
I always have the urge to let go of myself and take everything that was and is Ayaka, leaving me with a dirty and sinking feeling.
…I get scared that someday I might hurt and frighten Ayaka away.
“Hey, Ayaka… What if I locked you up somewhere so that you couldn’t see nor hear anyone, but me?“